Times Two - welcoming a second child (and living to tell the tale)

Printed in the Family Post: Holiday Issue 2006

By Lindsday Dunckel, First 5 Nevada County

Times Two
Slightly nauseous, dopey still
with the miracle of early pregnancy,
I would gaze at one in the crib
and think
Soon, there will be two.
Trying to imagine,
there in the dark,
what gazing at more than one
would feel like—
    A double heartbeat?
    A bridge suspended?
    An umbrella opening?
    A tree trunk branching out?
None of these, and all.
Gazing left and right in the dark room
it is so much more simple
than I could have imagined.
Like breathing, it requires no thought.

I wrote this poem after my second child was born. Before he arrived, I couldn’t imagine that there could possibly be an equal place in my heart for him—although my mother promised me that it would just happen and, once again, she was right. But the guilt, which seems to be the one consistent feature of motherhood, took me by surprise. It cut both ways—guilt that I was robbing my daughter of the time and attention she had been used to, and guilt that the baby was not getting half of what I had given his older sister when she was a baby.

A few deep breaths and at least 3 hours of unbroken sleep and I could sometimes see that I would never know whether my toddler’s temper tantrums were because of the baby or just some new stage of development: this was our life now, and the influence of the new baby could never be untangled from simple growth and change. And if I could never know, I argued with myself, I could let it go. Sometimes. And sometimes I could see that while the baby was not getting the hours of cooing and baby-staring from me that his sister did, he was getting a lot of other things, both from his sister and from the things I did with her that he got to take in.

Some people find that the adjustment to the first child is much more dramatic—she takes you into the realm of parenthood-- -and the second one fits in more easily.And other people find that they can retain some semblance of their “old life” with one child, but it all goes out the window when that second child arrives. Whichever you are, your whole family is making huge adjustments when you welcome a second child. But the changes are not all stresses or negatives. I will tell you this secret gem: there are moments of joy that you will experience as the parent of two children that are infinitely larger than those you experienced as the parent of one child— because you are loving them both at once and loving them loving one another. Just wait for those kisses, hugs, and expressions of pleasure in each other. I can remember like it was yesterday my two bouncing in a crib together and bursting into gales of laughter, taking such deep enjoyment from having invented this simple game together.

So what can you do to experience more of the joys and less of the stresses? There is no perfect formula, and no way to avoid some of the chaos and deep emotions that come with family life, but here are some tips on ways to make a difference before and after the arrival of a second baby.

PREPARING FOR THE ARRIVAL

You’ll notice everyone asking your child all the time about the new baby with cheery little questions like, “You’re going to be a big brother soon, aren’t you?” These will be so annoying to your child—why do all the adults in the world only have one topic of interest, and why is it the thing I least want to talk about? Don’t add to this. You can prepare your firstborn in subtle ways: pointing out families with more than one child, talking about your own siblings, referring to the baby as “our baby” so the big one feels connected already. Your child may be particularly interested in playing baby near the end of your pregnancy and after the new sibling arrives—it’s great to indulge this because your child will feel loved, cared for, understood, and will see that being a baby is kind of boring, really. If you fight that need, it will only grow-- and may grow into anger and resentment at you and the baby.

Another thing you can do to prepare your child is to talk about what babies are like, what things they can do—go visit a newborn if you know one, and try to arrange for your child to see a baby nursing. A realistic expectation of what this baby will be able to do at first (grab your child’s finger, cry when hungry) and later (smile, sit up, eat from a spoon, crawl, walk, talk) will help your child understand that the baby will not be a playmate at first. Don’t tell your child that the baby is “for” him, because it’s not going to feel like a very good gift.

A fun thing you can do to get ready for the new baby is to have your child help sort through his old baby things with you, finding things that can be used for the new baby. This activity will reinforce the idea that he was once a baby, and that he has grown so much. Looking at old home videos and baby pictures is another good way to reinforce these ideas and to let your older child see that he received the same loving, constant care that the new baby is getting or will be getting.

You can also begin reading books about new siblings. It’s comforting to children to hear their thoughts and experiences reflected this way, so they know they’re not the only one who ever felt like that. Some books are realistic looks at becoming an older sibling and some of the pros and cons that go along with that. And some books are stories that tell universal truths—like “Julius, the Baby of the World” by Kevin Henkes. This story tells of a big sister who proclaims again and again, “I hate Julius,” but she comes around in the end. Don’t worry that such books might plant ideas in your child’s head: she’s probably already felt this feeling (it’s a fact of life that all older siblings resent the new baby), and if it hasn’t occurred to her yet, your child will simply gloss over it.

When you get close to your due date, begin talking with your child about plans for when you are in labor and giving birth. If you are having a hospital birth, talk about the fact that you will be away for a couple of days and talk about some of the activities your child will do, and with whom, during that time. Try to schedule some fun activities you know your child will enjoy. If you are planning a home birth, talk with your child about who will care for him during that time, and again plan some fun activities for your child during the time you are recovering. Of course, you never know exactly what’s going to happen— maybe he’ll be at preschool when you go into labor, or maybe it will be the middle of the night—but you can talk about the different plans that might unfold. If your child is separated from you (like at school or childcare) when you go into labor, do have someone call ahead of time to tell the child that mom’s going to have the baby and Uncle Frank will be picking him up. A little time to prepare for the change will make it easier on your child and on Uncle Frank.

Wisdom has it that your older child shouldn’t have to face any major changes the three months before and the three months after the baby arrives. Try to either speed up or delay moving out of a crib or into a new room, starting preschool, toilet training, getting a new caregiver, etc. Really, though, not every child can be protected from all changes and each child will respond differently. Just be aware that additional changes will be difficult for your child during this sensitive time period.

WHEN THE BABY ARRIVES

Arrange for your child to visit you and the baby as soon as possible after the birth so she can share in, and not just hear about, this momentous occasion everyone’s talking about. Try to have this visit timed so that mom is not holding the baby when the older child walks in—this will make it a little less in-your-face. Have a gift for your child in celebration of being a big sibling: a doll makes a great gift for a boy or a girl, especially one that has some “baby stuff” along with it, like diapers or a baby sling, anything that’s a miniature version of what you will be using with the real baby.

Your child will be curious about the baby—and that’s a positive, so indulge it. My daughter wanted to unwrap her brother and explore all his parts. Two-year-olds can revel in those tiny toes, too! And even the youngest children can hold the baby for a few seconds if they’re safely placed in the middle of a bed with pillows or you arms for supports.

Try to keep to your older child’s usual routine as much as possible: this will add a feeling of safety and security for your child, because of the predictability. Remember that your child will be reeling for a while from having her world turned upside down.

AFTER THE BABY ARRIVES

Don’t forget about your own needs during this period because you’ve got to get a chance to re-fuel, however briefly, in order to keep parenting well. Maybe this means that you sit down and have a cup of tea in the afternoon even though the dishes aren’t done, or maybe it means you watch a favorite TV program while nursing. Talk to a friend on the phone, go for a walk, just sit outside—whatever small things you can find that will leave you a little more energized.

Moms may be surprised by how big their older child looks suddenly, and how complicated they seem compared to the baby. You may find yourself missing your older child (even though he’s right there), since so much of your day is spent with the baby. You may also experience a strange sensation if your older child is aggressive toward the baby: that “mama lion” reaction to protect the baby will be directed at someone who is also your baby— and it feels very confusing. Welcome to the world of sibling conflict! You should never leave your older child and new baby alone together out of adult sight in the first few weeks—because you cannot yet predict what the older child will do. Even with me in the room, my then-two-year-old daughter dumped my son out of his infant seat so she could put her doll in it. Fortunately, the seat was on the floor at the time, and newborns don’t cry all that long. . .

Here are some ways to make things less stressful for the older child in the first few months:

• Have your older child introduce visitors to the baby and open the baby’s gifts; try to open mailed gifts when older child isn’t around
• Do simple one-on-one things with your older child, like going to the store for milk
• Use help to care more for the baby than for the older child
• Enlist the older child’s help where possible—bringing diapers or wipes, choosing an outfit, helping with the bath; celebrate this involvement, take pictures

When you are nursing or feeding the baby will be the most difficult time—this is when you are stuck and unavailable, and your older child knows it and often resents it. Prepare for this before you sit down by setting out a snack or drink, settling your older child in an activity, or by making nursing time when you read stories to your older child.

There are three typical reactions to a new sibling: regression, depression, and aggression. You may get all three, or you may get a “honeymoon” period when the older child seems just fine. The honeymoon does usually end at some point down the line—often when the baby begins to smile and coo, thus commanding more adult attention, or when the baby begins to move about and get into the older child’s things.

If your child shows signs of depression, make sure you are telling your child how special he is and how much he means to you, and go over his baby pictures with him so he knows he got the same treatment at the same age. Involve him with the baby and point out how much the baby responds to him.

If your child shows signs of regression, indulge it, it will end. Applaud your child’s accomplishments, praise her behavior that’s age-appropriate and keep pointing out all the good things that come with age.

Aggression can take many forms: towards mom, dad, baby, or other. My daughter was furious with my mother, who was staying with us to help out, and refused to talk to her each morning. Fortunately, my mother understood what was happening, and was able to win my daughter over again each day. Be firm about any physical aggression, letting your child know that it is not acceptable: a child who hurts people can’t be around them (a logical consequence) and needs to spend some time alone. Do try to stop physical aggression before it happens: “I see that look in your eye. . .” and then head the child off in another direction. When the child does hurt the baby, state the rules in general form, leaving the baby out of it, “There is no hitting.” You can also create outlets for aggressive impulses (knocking down blocks, hitting pillows, pounding play dough), and set up calming activities that can help avoid the aggressive feelings (any touchy-feely activity such as finger paint, shaving cream, water play, sand play, or digging in a bin of rice or beans).

You can do some things to encourage a good sibling relationship; what you can’t do ask your older child to love the baby, or tell him he does. You can ask him to respect the baby, learn to read the baby’s cues and respond to them (“When he fusses like that he’s saying you are squeezing him too hard and you need to let go”). You can also point out how the baby responds to the older child from the very beginning—perks up at the sound of his voice, looks for, watches, smiles and laughs for the older child. Younger siblings think the older siblings hung the moon. Make a big deal about how the baby adores your older child—this softens even the hardest hearts.

After the newborn period, don’t interfere in the sibling interaction unless the baby protests—teach your older child to respect the baby’s communications by looking at his face and listening to his sounds. Babies withstand pretty rough handling at the expense of sibling attention.

Also, don’t go overboard in protecting your older child from the intrusion of the baby in her life: this is life now. Go for a balanced response and realize that adding the baby into the routine is acceptable, like nursing during story time. Give the sibling relationship room to grow.

Finally, don’t bad-mouth the baby to your older child, it doesn’t feel good to her. She wouldn’t want you talking that way about her, so while you can indulge her negative comments (“I hate the baby!”), don’t make any of your own. Instead, involve her in figuring the baby out: “The baby is crying again! Let’s try and figure out what’s wrong.”

So I end where I began, by reminding you that there is no perfect formula. Don’t judge your success by the older child’s behavior—love and hate always go hand-inhand with sibling relationships. Think of it as taking about a year to adjust to the birth of a new baby, for everyone. The first three months are the most difficult, just like the first time. Then you can all start to look for the moments when there’s two times the fun.

Lindsay Dunckel, Ph.D. and Grass Valley mother of two, is the Program Coordinator for Parent Support and Education for First 5 Nevada County.