Too Sexy, Too Soon

By Susan Rogers

Printed in the Family Post: Fall Issue 2007

The sexualization of childhood in American popular culture is a worrisome thing. The Barbie dolls I loved as a 12-year-old are now considered “babyish” by most preteen girls. Early critics thought Barbie’s comparatively large bustline and skinny waist gave the wrong message to girls in my day, but those features now seem tame compared to today’s highly sexualized Bratz dolls, which are hugely popular with girls so young that Bratz characters are even available in coloring book format.

Children are exposed to far more messages about sexuality than any previous generation. Magazines and TV shows use sex as a way to attract readers and viewers, and corporations spend millions of dollars to target younger and younger children (usually girls) with “sexy” products that are not in children’s best interests.

It’s not fair to parents, but it IS the world we live in today. So no matter how hard it is to find the right time and the right words, parents have to talk to their children about growing bodies and growing up (i.e. sexuality) if they want to make sure their children learn good values about sex, love, intimacy and relationships, rather than what the media are putting out as normal.

TALKING ABOUT IT DOES NOT SPEED IT UP

Some parents worry that talking about sexuality or giving “too much” information about sex “too soon” will encourage their children to become sexually active at an earlier age. Research studies have found repeatedly that this does not happen. In fact, studies have shown that parents communicating with their youngsters about sex actually delays the age at which they become sexually active.

Even more important, studies show that one of the main factors that helps adolescents “say no” and resist sexual pressure is having received a clear message from their parents that they want them to wait.

The key is good communication. Ask them what they already know, what they think and how they feel about it. Believe me, unless you live in a cave, your children have seen and heard things they probably don’t understand and would like to ask you about! Start from there, and add your own thoughts and opinions.

Conversation-starters are easy to find. Just start noticing how sex, love or relationships are shown in TV shows or ads. Use your remote’s MUTE button during commercials and put that time to good use: ask your children what they thought, and add your own comments.

THINK ABOUT POSITIVE MESSAGES

When we talk to our children, we need to remember one thing: sexuality itself is not the problem. Sex is a normal part of the human experience, and none of us would be here without it! Because we want to protect our youngsters from harm, we often tend to focus on the negative things we want our kids to avoid, but that’s only part of the story.

Children need to learn, in age-appropriate ways, that physical attraction is a normal thing, and part of a healthy, loving relationship. More challenging, of course, is the fact that adolescents experience positive and pleasurable feelings when they think about people they are attracted to and when they begin dating. When kids hit puberty, they need parental help to sort out how to understand their feelings and make good decisions about their relationships.

Think about the positive messages you want your children to learn. Here are some characteristics of people with healthy and responsible attitudes toward sexuality.

They:

• recognize what is personally “right” and act on these values.

• take responsibility for and understand the consequences of their own behavior.

• communicate effectively with family friends and partners interact with people in respectful ways regardless of gender.

• express love and intimacy in appropriate ways.

• avoid exploitive relationships. recognize their own values and show respect for people with different values.

IT’S NOT JUST ONE BIG TALK

Age-appropriate conversations about relationships and intimacy should begin early in a child’s life and continue through adolescence. One conversation – you know, “The Talk” – just isn’t enough. Parents and kids should be talking about developing bodies and healthy relationships all along.

Each phase of growth presents different situations and questions. Your goal is to not only to become an “askable parent,” but also a parent with a point of view. Make sure your kids know what you think is right and wrong. But don’t just lecture. Listen, too. Your children are people. They are developing their own ideas and they want your guidance. If you’re always criticizing the media they enjoy, your children won’t want to spend much time talking with you. It’s not all bad. Take advantage of any positive portrayals of sexuality, love and relationships you see on TV or in films.

Know what your children are watching, playing (on the game cube or computer), listening to and reading. Show an interest in what interests them. In general, your goal should be to create an atmosphere in which your child feels comfortable asking questions about what they’ve seen and heard in the media and from their friends.

Start talking now. Good communication with your children is what will prevent them from becoming too sexy, too soon.

Susan Rogers lives with her husband and son in Grass Valley. She has led parent workshops on media literacy and is the editor and publisher of MediaLiteracy. com. She can be reached by email at susan@medialiteracy.com.