Developing Self-Esteem in Young Children
By Stephanie Gomez, LCSW
First Five Nevada County
Printed in the Family Post: Winter Issue 2008
Several years ago, a mother of a toddler
asked me during our parenting group, “How
do I teach my child to have self-esteem?” I
smiled and paused just a moment, thinking
about this basic question that was so complex
to answer. As parents, we are continuously
reminded of the great responsibility we
have to develop our children’s self-esteem.
But current research tells us that selfesteem
requires much more than telling our
children “I love you,” “You’re beautiful” or
“Good job.” Developing your child’s selfesteem
begins at birth.
Self-esteem is considered the beliefs
one holds about themselves and the world
around them. I recently had the privilege
of attending a fascinating brain conference
with Joann Deak, Ph.D. and author of the
well-known book, Girls Will Be Girls. We
now understand that self-esteem is not a
single factor but a compilation of three main
ingredients: 1) Confidence 2) Competence
and 3) Connectedness. In fact, a healthy
sense of self would have a balance in each
of these three areas.
Confidence
Confidence is a feeling of mastery over
one’s behavior, ability and body. A confident
person is eager to learn new skills and
willing to face new challenges. Confidence is
a key factor in social development as young
children learn to share, trust, compete and
build relationships with others. An infant is
born into this world without “confidence.”
The first year or so of life a baby is simply
learning that he or she is a separate being
from his or her primary caregiver. However,
infants are developing a sense of who they
are by what is reflected back to them from
adults around them. As Deak describes,
“every interaction a child has during the
course of a day influences the adult that
child will become.”
This development begins in infancy and
continues throughout a person’s life. For
example, every time a caregiver attentively
responds and soothes a newborn cry, that
child is learning that they are worthy of
comforting. When a six-month-old child
is allowed the opportunity to remove a
cloth from his face, he learns he is capable
of solving problems when his father says,
“you took that cloth off your face with
your hand.” Imagine the active toddler who
wants to push a table across the room in
an attempt to master walking. A caregiver
responds by saying, “I can see you want
to push something right now. How about
practicing with your walker instead of the
table? The table is not safe, it has sharp
edges.” The toddler has learned that his
needs are important and that adults will
set limits with him to keep him safe. A
three-year-old may be frightened to join a
group of new children at a birthday party. A
parent tells the child “it’s okay to feel a little
nervous with new people. Would you like to
sit with Mommy and we’ll watch together
until you feel ready to join the rest of the
group?” This child has learned that her
feelings are validated and her parent will
help support her through difficult times.
Tips for Developing Confidence
- The following tips for nurturing your
child’s self-confidence have been suggested
by the well-respected organization, Zero To
Three.
- Establish routines with your baby
or child. When a child knows what
to expect in their day, they feel less
anxious, more in control of their
world and free to explore.
- Allow for and facilitate plenty of
opportunity for play. Play allows
for a child to master new skills,
learn cause and effect, practice role play and work through fears and
anxieties.
- Help your child learn to be
a problem-solver. Try not to
automatically resolve your child’s
challenges. Instead, try to narrate
what the child is doing, ask if he
wants suggestions then help only
enough to let him complete the task.
- Give your child responsibilities.
A toddler is not too young to
feel helpful. Give young children
specific, fun “chores” like helping to
bring in a grocery bag or help feed
a pet.
- Celebrate your child’s success.
Acknowledge your child’s growth
by taking a picture of your child
struggling with a puzzle, and then
another once she has mastered it.
- Encourage your child to try to
master tasks he is struggling with.
Break down difficult tasks into
simpler steps, with your help.
- Provide language that accurately
describes your child’s experience.
For example: “You cried when you
spilled your milk You’re learning
to drink from a cup without a lid.
It takes a lot of practice to use a
big-kid cup. Let’s try it again but
this time we’ll only put a little bit of
milk in your cup.”
- Be a role model yourself. Children
are always observing your behavior,
even when their eyes may be fixed
at the opposite end of the room.
When you have an accident or
feel challenged, verbalize this to
your child and model appropriate
problem-solving techniques. “I
spilled rice on the floor because I
was rushing. I can clean this up
with a broom and next time I’ll try
to go slower.”
Competence
In short, competence is being good at
something. So how is competency different
from confidence? It is impossible to be
competent at everything. Some people will
naturally have more talent, skill or ability
than others, despite how much they try.
Confidence may give a person the strength
to try something new, but it does not ensure
they will ever be competent. A toddler may
have the confidence to try walking on a
balance beam unassisted, but if he does
not yet have the motor skills, balance and
coordination, then he cannot be competent
at completing the task. This is why it is so
important to foster extra-curricular activities
as children grow older. Research shows us
that when females perform successfully
in front of an audience, their sense of
competence strengthens, which improves
their sense of self-esteem.
One of the most important things we can
do for young children is learn to praise them
in other ways than saying “good job.” By
describing exactly what the child achieved,
they learn to feel capable and competent.
For example, if a child successfully dresses
themselves in the morning we can say,
“Look at that! You sat down to put on your
pants. You even buttoned up your sweater
and you knew to ask for help with your
coat. You’re getting to be such a big girl!”
Descriptive praise means so much more
to a young child than saying “good job”
because it tells the child they are worthy
of your attention and it acknowledges how
much effort the child devoted to mastering
this new task. In addition, a child’s sense
of competency can be encouraged by
focusing on internal rewards of success,
rather than external rewards. As early as
infancy, we begin to see a sense of pride
and accomplishment in young children.
Consider the infant who has been struggling
to roll their body over from back to tummy.
Many a watchful parent will see a smile of
excitement upon a baby’s face when she
realizes her struggles have not been in vain.
This is a wonderful opportunity to say to a
baby, “You rolled over all by yourself. You
tried so hard and now you are smiling. You
look so proud of yourself.” There is nothing
more exhilarating than hearing a toddler or
preschooler declare with pride, “I did it all
by myself!”
Connectednes
The third component to a healthy selfesteem
is connectedness. Connectedness is a
feeling of connection, concern and empathy
to others. This can be toward peers, family,
community members and simply to other
human beings. An important factor to
consider when nurturing connectedness
is to focus the connectedness on things in
addition to just friends. Problems can arise
as children grow into adolescents and their
only feeling of connection is toward a single
friend or a boyfriend, for example.
Research shows us that it is important
for young children to recognize what is
important to others rather than a focus on
one’s self. This begins at an early age by
teaching children basic empathy. Consider
a 12-month-old who hits his peer over the
head. He does so because he does not yet
have the language or social skills to say “I
want a turn with your toy.” An adult can
say to the child, “You hit your friend on the
head and now she’s crying. That hurts and
she didn’t like that.” Or a preschool child
can be encouraged to draw a special picture
for their friend who is feeling sick. These
are the basic building blocks of teaching
young children connectedness. That one’s
actions have a profound effect on others is
a necessary lesson for human interaction.
I recall a local news story this past
holiday season about nine-year-old Brandyn
Waterford. He received a brand new Nintendo
Wii for his birthday, a few weeks prior to the
holidays. When he learned that his father
would be volunteering with a local foster
care agency, Brandyn decided to donate his
Wii to the foster agency. “I decided to give
away something I really like so another kid
could have a really good Christmas” he told
the press. When the Sacramento Kings heard
of this child’s “connectedness” to others,
they presented Brandyn with another Wii
of his very own. Rather than keeping this
second video game for himself, he chose to
donate it yet again. This is not to say that it
is necessary (or age-appropriate) for every
child to be completely selfless. However, the
goal is to find a healthy tension between
one’s self and other’s needs.
Knowing that self-esteem is developed
by a combination of confidence,
competence and connectedness is helpful
while considering each child’s unique
temperament, skills and interests. As
caregivers, it is important to give young
children a safe, enriched environment
to explore. As children grow older, it is
important to encourage them to do things
that increase their sense of confidence and
competence, whether it be riding a bike or
creating drawings. As caregivers, it will be
our responsibility to model connectedness
and empathy toward others. And let’s not
forget, one of the most important gifts you
can give your young child is the gift of your
own self-acceptance. You are your child’s
most influential teacher. If we as parents
model self-esteem through pride in our own
accomplishments and our own bodies, our
children will learn there is no other way.
Stephanie Gomez, LCSW and mother of a
delightful toddler, is the Program Coordinator
for Parent Support And Education for First
5 Nevada County. Email any questions or
comments to stephanie@first5nevco.org. |
