Again! Again! The Importance of Ritual in Kid's Lives

By Lindsday Dunckel, First 5 Nevada County

Published in the School 2005 Issue of the Family Post

Late last Spring, as I drove into the parking lot of my children's school to drop them off for the day, a friend approached and I began talking with her through my driver's side window. Suddenly, there was a knocking on the passenger side window; it was my six-year-old son. He was blowing me a kiss and needing me to do the same. I realized that this good-bye had become firmly established as a ritual over the course of the year, and he needed it to start his day: I stop at the curb, the kids get out, he gets his backpack and lunchbox from the front seat, he closes the door, he blows me a kiss, I blow him one back, and he's off to his classroom. It set me thinking about the role of ritual in children's lives.

Rituals come in all shapes and sizes, from what you eat at Thanksgiving dinner to how you say goodbye each day, from which ornament goes on the Christmas tree first to your child's bedtime routine. Often, children act as ritual police, making sure that things happen just the same way each time. I well remember that Christmas morning in my early teens when Santa had not hung a sheet across the living room doorway and we could see straight in to the gifts under the tree; my brother and I protested mightily-it felt all wrong! And my parents and I had a great laugh recently when I was visiting them in my childhood home. I kissed them goodnight in their bed, then asked, "How far do you want your door closed?" in a reversal of the goodnight ritual we had all practiced so many years before. They both called out "Stop!" when the door was partly closed, just as I had done night after night, relishing one bit of control I had over going to bed: the door would stop just where I wanted it. That thirty-some years later we could all refer back to that ritual to make each other laugh is indicative of the power ritual holds, both for young children and for the people who care for them. My father still likes to tease me by toying with the (correct!) order of the statement "Good night, sweet dreams, sleep tight, I love you!" I was a child strongly tied to ritual, and he couldn't leave my room until he'd said it the RIGHT way.

Why do so many children form such strong attachments to the rituals that make up their days? For a young child, rituals are comforting because he knows what to expect, he can predict what is going to happen. In a world where so much is out of children's control and beyond their ability to predict, in a world where so much comes at them, ritual provides a measure of security and calm. Rituals also tend to form around transition times and they give the child time to "shift gears." Also, children know just what behavior is expected of them in a ritual and often know what the consequences are of acting outside of this expected behavior. This brings a measure of comfort as well: there are so many choices, and rituals reign in choices, narrow the field, so that children know just where they stand. For example, the child who brushes his teeth before story time may know that if he dawdles and fools around with his brother when he's supposed to be brushing his teeth, he'll lose his story; once this has been consistently established, the child will rarely dawdle because losing the story-reading piece of the ritual is generally too large a price to pay.

While some rituals are carefully and thoughtfully created (bedtime rituals often fall into this category), others just grow out of things we tend to do-like blowing my son a kiss goodbye. In this way, sometimes behavior we don't like ends up as part of a ritual. A friend of mine has a daughter who, for almost a year, included in her bedtime ritual getting out of bed, and being put back in it, over and over again. Often, a drink of water or a straightening of the covers after mom and dad have left the room finds its way into bedtime rituals. When these things happen, it can take a large effort to change the ritual. Talk to your child about how some behavior seems to have become a habit and about why you'd like to change it. Then, using consistent, logical consequences (if you get out of bed, I will have to keep your door closed) can be an effective way of changing a piece of a ritual. Alternatively, a behavior modification plan can be a way of changing this type of behavior. For example, you can make a chart with spaces for five stickers; each time your child goes to sleep without getting out of bed, she earns a sticker. When five stickers are earned, she gets to pick out a book at the bookstore. Tailor the number of stickers and the reward to your child's age, interests, and the behavior you are trying to modify, but don't use food, candy, or edible treats as a reward (this teaches children that eating is a reward and unrelated to hunger, a danger to the creation of both a healthy relationship to food and a healthy body weight).

Creating a ritual is a great parenting tool, for the reason discussed above: because children know what behavior is expected of them, rituals promote positive behavior and can eliminate negative behavior. For instance, if your child is having trouble separating from you in the mornings at her childcare, it will help both of you (and the caregiver!) to create a ritual. Maybe that involves carrying her from the car, greeting the caregiver, putting her things in her cubby and reading her a book of her choice. When the book is over, a quick kiss and hug and you are out the door. With repetition, this series of behaviors is magically transformed into a comforting ritual that the child has to hang onto during a difficult transition. And the ritual belongs to the child, who has it as a comfort when you cannot be there: if you are ill and her father drops her off at childcare, the drop-off ritual makes the larger change easier to handle because all the little things are still the same. Rituals are best when they involve an element of control for the child, such as choosing a book (or how far open to leave the door, in my case). Rituals are generally found around transition activities-and these transitions (getting up, getting dressed, mealtimes, saying goodbye, reuniting, bath time, and bedtime) are things in which children often do not have a choice. Giving them a bit of control or choice in a situation over which they have no real control makes them feel empowered, and therefore cooperative. It is also respectful of their growing autonomy and gives them practice in making decisions.

Larger rituals, or traditions, are also important to children. What you do on holidays, or even on Friday nights, can give children a sense of belonging, a sense of family. Young children learn about themselves in part through how they understand their role in their immediate and extended family; rituals help them connect to both of these. When children are born, spouses often find they need to merge their rituals, and create some new ones that will become their shared domain. So whether it's taco night, game night, spring cleaning or making gingerbread cookies, consider adding some rituals to your week and your year.

Take some time to think about the rituals, large and small, in your child's life. As we head into another school year, it is the perfect time to reevaluate your rituals-modify them, create some new ones. Everyone in your family will benefit from the smoothing-over effect that ritual has on those difficult transition times.

Creating a Ritual

You might want to create a ritual around a transition time that is often difficult for you and your child. Times like getting up, going to bed, saying goodbye, reuniting, mealtime, or bath time are good candidates for ritual.

Repetition is the key to creating a ritual: do it the same way each time and soon it will be a ritual. When creating a ritual, think about:

Including some connecting time, like a story or song, talking about the day to come or the one just past. Children are hungry for these kinds of connections with you, and including them in your ritual makes it rewarding for both of you.

Keeping it simple. Don't make a ritual too complex. Usually, about 3 or 4 steps is long enough to be a ritual without being so long that it feels like a burden at times. You want to enjoy your rituals, not resent them.

Letting it belong to the child. Your child should be able to follow the ritual with any adult who is caring for him.

Sample Rituals

Here are some examples of time-tested rituals. Of course, you will want ones tailored to your interaction style and the structure of your transitions.

Bedtime: Read a story, share impressions of the day, kiss and hug, sing a song to the child from the doorway.

Getting up: Make up a greeting phrase, sing a song, open the curtains.

Reuniting at childcare: Greet the child, give her a 5-minute warning to finish up playing, read a book together, say goodbye to caregivers.

Lindsay Dunckel, Ph.D. and Grass Valley mother of two, is the Program Coordinator for Parent Support and Education for First 5 Nevada County.