Getting To The Bottom of Power Struggles
Between You and Your Children

By Tulum Dothee

Published in the Fall 2005 Issue of the Family Post

OK Folks, it's time to push up our sleeves and get down to business. What business? Yours. You know, that control thing you do all the time. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Try counting the number of times you want to make one of your children or your spouse do something in a day and then get back to me.

Sure you can get them to do what you want if you really put your foot down-get mean and nasty and insist. That's the seduction of the mean and nasty approach. It works. It's not pretty, but it works. And after all YOU are the parent, right? They should be doing what you say, when you say it. Right?!?

But just a minute now, there's a down side to that punitive method. Like Jane Nelson says in Positive Discipline, there are those pesky long term effects: Resentment, Rebellion, Revenge and Retreat. And in my book these aren't just a possibility, they are a given. It's just a matter of time. So if you want to stick to those methods, go right ahead. Just don't come crying to me when your children are angry all the time for no apparent reason; do mean and nasty things right back to you; won't talk to you; sneak around behind your back-getting into mischief, and much more nerve-wracking things as they get older.

So, did you get that control count done yet? It's important. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Get out there and acknowledge just how much YOU want to be in charge-like all the time. (Hmm, I wonder just where your kids got that stubborn streak anyway!)

And you want to know the real kicker? It's an illusion that you are in control anyway. Don't believe me? Try to make your child eat, or stop having a temper tantrum, or urinate or have a bowel movement. Go ahead, I'll wait.

And the next kicker: That control stuff is behind EVERYTHING. Yep, it's true, EVERY issue between you and your children comes down to CONTROL - who has it; who wants it; and what they are doing with it.

Give up yet? Ready to try something else? Good. Here's a thought:

LET GO.

Just so we are clear, letting go of control does not mean going all soft and boundary-less with the kids running the show. Letting go of control means letting go of the things that don't make a difference in the long run. Does it really matter if your child wants to paint her room purple; sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag; take a bath with his stuffed frog; or wear the same shirt to school every day?

Get to the bottom line: What really matters? When should "NO!" be reserved for? For me it comes down simply to safety issues for all the living creatures that share our home and school. My job is to make sure everyone is treated safely and with respect. Period. The rest is frosting.

Just try it for a few days as an experiment.

Ask yourself every moment you FEEL like you want to make someone do something,

"Do I want to be RIGHT or HAPPY?"

Act from the intention of choosing to be happy. It will pave the way to smoother interactions and more peace in your life. Look for solutions together rather than you making all the decisions.

Announce to the family that you are going to assign each family member a special day during the week in which they are in charge. Then back off and truly let that person make the decisions that come up, from what the meals include, what book to read, what music to listen to, to who gets the toy first. Once you get going you will be amazed at not only at how much you can let go of, but even more so, how well your children come up to the plate when you do.

Try to give your loved ones, even the youngest ones, a say in what happens in their day. Give them the freedom to make decisions, have a voice, be significant. Create a family where everyone plays an important part.