Printed in the Family Post: School Issue 2006

By Lindsday Dunckel, First 5 Nevada County

I recently read that the human species has depended biologically on having both adventurous and picky eaters: the adventurous eaters introduce their clans to new sources of food, and the picky eaters keep the whole clan from being wiped out by poison.  I felt good knowing this: my genes are safe, in that if there is a return to the hand-to-mouth existence of early humans, my son will boldly search out new types of food and my daughter will never, ever be poisoned.

When I began thinking about writing this article on living with a picky eater I found that a Beatles’ song kept popping into my head: “Let It Be.”  That should be the motto of how to deal with a picky eater.  Almost nothing provokes as much maternal guilt as do food issues.  And having a child who refuses most kinds of food comes with a special kind of social disapproval that only increases that guilt.  When my daughter goes to a friend’s house for the first time, I still find myself saying to the parents, “She just doesn’t eat much, so don’t let it worry you.”  Otherwise,  I know it will be the first thing I’ll hear about when I come to pick her up.

So how does the mother of an indisputably picky eater write an article about picky eaters?  Obviously I haven’t cured the problem.  And she hasn’t outgrown it yet, as everyone keeps hoping she will.  But I have done quite a bit of research on the topic as a part of my work: talk about bringing your work home!  And through all this, I only strengthened my motto: “Let It Be.”  Here’s the story behind it.

First of all, it’s important to know a few things about child development:

1) Preschoolers are growing more slowly than toddlers, and a lot more slowly than infants, so their appetites slow down, too.

2) Food is a very common area of struggle between parents and children: like sleeping, using the toilet, and getting dressed, eating is something we have to do every day and these things often become “flash points” for  parents and children.

3) Young children are learning to assert themselves and make decisions, part of their growing sense of self.  Both of these things contribute to the likelihood that there will be struggles over food: ultimately the child controls what does or does not go in her mouth, so it’s best not to get into a struggle with her over food (often, she will only become more determined).

4) Food jags (eating the same food over and over again) are natural: studies have shown that young children tend to eat what their bodies need and that food jags usually last only a brief while.  If you consider what your child eats over several days, rather than at any given meal or in a single day, you will see that most children balance their food intake over time.

5) Different children have different appetites.  Just because your next-door neighbor’s child, who is the same age as your child, eats two bowls of pasta primavera and a large salad for dinner, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your child eating half a cup of plain pasta and three carrot sticks.  Just like grown-ups, children have different metabolisms, a different body set-point for the burning of calories.

6) Too many liquids can interfere with a child’s appetite.  Milk, the whole meal for most of the first year, is now just a part of the nutritional package.  If your child is one who drinks throughout the day, cut down on the liquids and you will see a growth in appetite (this may happen with a slight delay, like about a week, for toddlers and children who have been really attached to nursing, bottles, or sippy cups).

The first step in letting it be is to trust your child’s appetite.  As long as your pediatrician has no concerns about your child’s growth, neither should you.  Generally, children stay in the same height-to-weight ratio, as well as age percentile rank, and as long as this is true, your child is growing in a healthy manner.  Children know what they need and will eat accordingly.  Your primary goal with food and your child is to help him learn to read his body’s cues about when he is hungry and when he is full.  This is a gift that will last a lifetime.  A child who is forced to clean his plate, or eat two more bites of chicken before he can have more milk, is learning to ignore his body’s cues about what it needs.  Our job as parents is to be responsible for what, where, and when our children eat.  Their job is to decide whether and how much to eat.  So offer healthy food at regular meal and snack times and then stand aside and keep out of the way of your child’s bodily cues.

What if you and your child have already established a pattern of struggle over food?  It’s not too late to change.  You can sit down for a talk with your child, even a very young one, and explain the situation away from the stress of mealtime.  “I’ve noticed that you and I have a lot of trouble at mealtime.

Sometimes you don’t want to eat the things we have for dinner.  I’ve been doing some reading and thinking about it, and I’m going to try something new.  At mealtime and snack time, I’ll give you a few choices.  You can choose to eat whatever you want and to leave the rest.  We don’t have to talk about what you eat or don’t eat, we’ll just enjoy each other’s company.  Then at the next snack or meal, you’ll have different choices.”

With this simple plan, you can reset your child’s relationship to food.  It might take a few days, or even a few weeks.  If you have been doing a lot of controlling of what he eats, it will take longer than if you’ve only had the occasional struggle.  At first, your child may eat  nothing when you are not controlling.  It is okay for a child to skip a meal: this is a hard concept to accept.  Really, she won’t starve.  But she will be hungrier next mealtime.  The hard part about this plan is sticking to it: don’t say anything about what your child is choosing to eat or not eat.  Serve three meals and two snacks a day and nothing in between.  It is very difficult to hear, “Daddy, I’m hungry” at bedtime and not give in to a little bread and butter or a glass of milk.  But if you are resetting your child’s relationship to food, try your hardest to just say, “I bet you are, you didn’t choose to eat much dinner.  You can think about what you’d like to have for breakfast.” 

Make your mealtimes happy occasions.  Get the whole family to sit down together with no TV and talk about topics other than food.  Enjoy one another!  Sometimes in the midst of struggling over food, we can forget that mealtimes are great family time.  When the stress goes out of mealtime, choosy eaters are more likely to eat more, to try new foods, and to eat more kinds of food.  Especially when their parents and siblings are sitting right there eating, too.  You can make it look good.

Do respect your child’s preferences: some kids hate to have food touching other food on their plates.  Some children like foods plain, with no sauces or toppings.  You can honor your child’s needs in these areas: they say children outgrow them.  I often remove my daughter’s portion as I am cooking, setting it aside before I add extra ingredients. 

Try to serve two or three items at each meal, with one you are pretty certain you child will eat.  That way, your child can choose to eat something familiar and might be in the mood to try something new.  Always serve a little of everything to every child, whether you think she will try it or not.  Keep in mind that some children have to try a little of something ten times before they will really eat it.  In the winter, I like to make soup.  My daughter, however, does not like foods that are “mixed up”—she likes simple food with just one ingredient.  So when I serve soup, I generally serve a whole grain bread and a salad along with it.  I give her a small bowl of soup (who knows, she might try it one day) but feel comfortable knowing that if she eats some whole grain, a green salad and a glass of milk, she has had a fine, nutritious meal.

Remember that motto, let it be.  They say kids outgrow these behaviors: I’ll keep you posted!

Here are some final quick tips on
living with your picky eater:
           
don’t be a short-order cook, making special foods for your choosy eater; instead, let him choose to eat some of what you have made for everyone

don’t serve food outside of meal and snack time; your child will soon learn that if she eats nothing at lunchtime, you will give in and let her have potato chips or a yogurt after the meal

serve just two or three things at each meal; too many choices are daunting to children and they will actually eat less

point out what you like about your child’s eating behavior (he puts his napkin in his lap, he has something interesting to say, he really likes the strawberries)

don’t decide for your child what she likes or doesn’t like; let her make a choice each time, she might surprise you (“Oh, that’s got cheese in it, you won’t like that”—these things we tend to say particularly when we are out at a restaurant or someone’s house)

don’t tell your child he’s a picky eater; it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, as he begins to see himself that way and becomes more and more picky
relax and be patient; avoiding conflict over food means your child won’t learn to use food as a way of exerting control