Ask Dr. Gayle

By Gayle Peterson, LCSW, PhD

Printed in The Family Post: Holiday Issue 2004

QUESTION: I am dreading the holidays! We always fight over whose house we should go to for Christmas. If it were totally up to me, I'd just stay home. What should we do to avoid this yearly fight this holiday season?

ANSWER: You have deadened your holiday spirit with family rituals that have become stale instead of meaningful. Take a step back to reevaluate what you want the meaning of the holidays to be for your immediate family. Turn your attention and energies to creating a family event that you can look forward to rather than dread!

Why not start your own family tradition this year? Perhaps it is time for the two of you to stop fighting about whose relatives you should visit and develop a holiday ritual centered in your home.

The initiation of your own family rituals is a necessary step new families must take to establish family identity. This does not mean that you must forgo seeing family relatives. Instead, invite them to your house if you would like, or let them know that you are having your own family ritual this year and want to visit them on another day to exchange gifts and holiday cheer.

Family rituals die if they do not remain enjoyable and meaningful to family members. For example, a large family gathering at your parents’ house may have provided a wonderful sense of connection as a child. It may even have continued as a family touchstone in your early adulthood, as you looked forward to the holidays. But, gradually changes are needed in any family ritual so that it continues to meet the needs of its growing members.

When spouses are added to the family, new conflicts can arise over how to continue holiday celebrations. Issues of inclusion and exclusion and how to celebrate can become heated between spouses. Taking turns attending one another's family celebrations over the holidays is a common first step, as spouses get to know their in-laws and an understanding of the established rituals of each partner's respective family.

The next step, however, is to create your own unique family culture, which blends your traditions in a way that brings cohesion and enjoyment to both of you and your own children. Do not stop short of taking responsibility to develop your own family identity. Take action to recover your holiday spirit. Participate in your family history by creating it.

Talk with your partner about a solution to your apathy. Remember that rituals of all kinds, whether they be our weekly patterns (such as pancakes for Sunday breakfast) or major holiday celebrations, serve to hold families together. Meaningful ritual is the basis for family bonding over a lifetime. These rituals must be adjusted to the needs of the changing family situation so that they remain alive, instead of stagnating.

Gayle Peterson, LCSW, PhD is in private practice in Grass Valley. She works with individuals and couples, and specializes in marital, parenting, and family transitions, including childbirth preparation and postpartum adjustment. She is the author of several books, and her articles on family relationships appear in professional journals and popular magazines. She has been in private practice for 25 years. Her free on-line family seminars and articles are available through her website: www.AskDrGayle.com.  She is available  for appointments and or consultation in Grass Valley at (530) 346-2534.