The Dark Side Of "Everyone Wants to be Heard"
The Second in a Mini-Series

By Tulum Dothee

Printed in the Family Post: Spring Issue 2008

This is the second article in a miniseries about the dark side of “everyone wants to be heard”. For those of you just joining me here is a review of the first article:

Everyone wants to feel special and be heard. When these basic needs are met we do better because we feel better.

While eating lunch with a group of preschoolers I noticed something. As each person unpacked an item from his lunch many of the others had something to say about it. “I don’t like peanut butter.” “EEUUU!! , you like kiwi?!?” “I don’t eat white bread, my mom says it’s not good for you.”

I was intrigued and set about on an informal study to listen to as many conversations as possible. Here are my findings:

Everybody has got something to say.

We look like a bunch of people talking AT each other, sometimes at the same time.

I find myself astounded at how many of us give an opinion on just about everything. Since when do we all need to say something about what other people are doing, saying, eating and thinking?

Yes, I do realize that I am giving my opinions right now and intend to do so throughout this article, so get set.

Here is where the dark side comes in. Not only are we handing out our opinions left and right, these opinions have an effect on others. Often the others are our loved ones.

As a group we, both young and old alike, are either commenting on what others are doing or trying to get them to change what they are doing.

Our interactions take many forms: correcting what the other said, passing judgment on content, being critical of how an incident was handled, debates, devil’s advocate responses, and negotiations.

While we deliverers are in the glory of our self righteousness and cleverness, here is what’s happening to our loved ones:

They are visibly crushed and withdraw, or, are hurt and come running to report, or become defensive, or go into rebellion mode and act up.

The bottom line? No matter how we respond, someone is left visibly smaller. Why? Because when one of us wins, the other loses.

Conversation is an elegant dance of energy and words during which we enjoy each other, find commonalities and learn something. When is the last time you had a truly pleasant conversation? Where has simple non combative conversation gone?

Your assignment was to listen to the interactions around you. To simply notice when you needed to say something.

Of course I did the assignment. Surprisingly many of my interactions are manipulative. I say something expecting it to have an effect on you so that you will change your thinking or your behavior. If my words won’t have an effect I debate saying them at all.

A more subtle form of manipulation I use is to fill in quiet spaces with questions. Others have complimented me on being a good conversationalist. In reality it is a defense mechanism to avoid the discomfort of quietness. When I get really uncomfortable I say inflammatory things just to stir things up. Like that is going to help.

I found myself listening more and saying less. Sometimes I was hard put to come up with something to say that was devoid of judgment. Many times I began to formulate an opinion while someone was in midsentence. Or I built my case in response to what was shared. While I was busy in my head I missed the conversation.

With children I found myself turning incidents into learning experiences with a moral. When I held back they did the learning themselves and shared it with each other. Maybe I’m not as important as I thought.

I wondered how we got here. Being from the school that believes in exploring history to avoid repeating mistakes, I reflected on the experiences in my life.

“Speak when you are spoken to!” was what my generation heard. Most of us who grew up in that era did not get listened to much. We were just children and what could we possibly say that was significant? We were there to obey. I am still surprised when people listen to me. Maybe that’s why I went into teaching. People listen. Or at least they did in the beginning. Not as much now. That’s why I love writing so much. I get to say what I want and I don’t have to see anyone not listening. Much better.

The pendulum swung the other way when all of us needy, never listened to children grew up, married and had children. Since we hadn’t been listened to it was really important to “Be Heard”. Saying something, no matter how trivial, was our right and it was your duty to listen. The trouble was that since most of us acted as if it was our right to be heard, there was mostly talking going on and not much listening. The content wasn’t so great either since we didn’t edit our thoughts before they emerged as words. The art of conversation took a coffee break.

The children we had grew up thinking that they were supposed to have something to say about everything. In fact saying something was way more important than listening. A whole new generation of me, me, me kids then grew up, married and now have kids of their own. The very same kids I was having lunch with the other day.

It’s no wonder we don’t hear each other. We have had a couple of generations of training not to listen. We also seem to think it our job to control others with our words. On top of that we have accustomed ourselves to speak without thinking and to over share.

There is too much effluent coming out of our mouths and not enough substance. Here are some of the things that make it challenging to listen:

We are so concerned about doing the right thing and not causing any long term damage that we don’t set enough boundaries. Ever notice how kids obsess and say the same things over an over. “Are we gonna have dessert? When is dessert? Are we gonna have ice-cream? I want icecream.” Most of us don’t want to hear kids repeat a version of the same thing over and over any more than we want to hear other adults do it. Let’s set a boundary and say things once. If we start doing it ourselves we will model it for our kids. Then we can discuss it with our families and establish a hand signal to remind everyone.

Another interesting development is the long winded, detail laden story, punctuated with self corrections. Folks of all ages tell them. A millionaire recently did on a show sharing his rags to riches story. I wanted to hear how he did it, though by the fourth time he corrected the year he self published I mentally checked out and missed the rest of his story. For you folks who recognize this trait in yourself: Take a moment to think through your story and give us only the pertinent details. We want to hear about your life, please make it interesting by giving us the highlights to get your point across, otherwise you will probably lose us.

To those of you who litter your narratives with these tidbits; “uh, um, like, she goes, I’m so sure, and, then, etc.” and the most recent teen colloquialisms, realize that you sound like you are about twelve, and it wasn’t cute then either. I have one friend who like, pauses to take a breath, and then she likes inserts “and” and then uh goes on for 15 minutes and um literally links one phrase onto the other with “ands” and like I’m so sure never takes a break in between and then um the rest of us want to speak and uh we really want to and like we never can and when um she like does this annoying thing we like try to get away and even leave full grocery carts in the store like I’m so sure and that’s um ok because like they hire clerks and they like put them away and we uh really all just um want to be heard and we uh like can’t because she like never stops and lets us um have the chance and will she like just shut up and like can she like stop? and I don’t think so and um uh like I dunno, my bad, no wait, her bad. Ok, so maybe I went overboard on that one. It was the little kid in me, I couldn’t resist.

Please speak in your articulate adult voice. Use short sentences. Give the rest of us a chance. Avoid the latest teenager lingo.

While I am at it, for those of you who take the devil’s advocate position and either argue or offer an opposing point of view: While you may believe that you are doing us some service, it makes most of us want to avoid you in the future, or at least not share things that are important. Unless, of course, we are feeling feisty and ready to rumble. Try listening more. Be supportive. If your children are giving it back to you, take heed. Other than being an attorney there are not many job opportunities for negotiators. Or many friends. I can hear your objections right now. Can’t stop yourself can you?

It is time to take stock and change the way we interact so that we do not perpetuate this pattern. Now that you have taken notice of your interactions, it is time to move onto the next step. Acknowledge what you do and be willing to change. Most importantly, follow the advice of a 3 1/2 year old who, when asked what we should do if hurt, replied “Wait. Wait for it to heal.”

Tulum Dothee has been teaching Montessori for 30 years and Parenting and Self Help classes for 20 years. She owns and operates Oakhaven Montessori School for 2 1/2 - 6 year olds and has a private practice in Clinical Hypnotherapy and Consulting. You can sign up for her parenting tips newsletter at http://www. mindfulparentingtips.com You can e-mail questions for her to answer to info@ asktulum.com, or visit her website at www.asktulum.com. Call for more information 271-1258.