The Dark Side Of
“Everyone Wants to be Heard”
The First in a Mini-Series

By Tulum Dothee

Printed in the Family Post: Winter Issue 2008

If you have been reading my articles for awhile you know that I think that everyone wants to feel special and be heard. When we get these basic needs and desires met we are better for it. To that end I do a lot of listening to both young and old. While eating lunch with a group of preschoolers a couple of months back I noticed something. As each person unpacked an item from his lunch many of the others had something to say about it. “I don’t like peanut butter.” “EEUUU!! , you like kiwi?!?” “I don’t eat white bread, my mom says it’s not good for you.” “I’m vegan, we don’t eat cheese.” The most PC comment I heard was “I don’t care for that.” This as a result of a teacher here at Oakhaven putting in months of effort to divert the stream of negativity.

I was intrigued and set about on an informal study to listen to as many conversations as possible and note my observations. Here are my preliminary findings:

Everybody has got something to say.

The interaction I heard at the lunch table happens just about every day with the same commentary again and again.

Out on the play yard the children either comment on what others are doing “Lucy is being a monster and scaring us!” or try to get them to change what they are doing. “Evan is my partner and he won’t play my game, he’s my partner! He’s supposed to play MY game! “ “NOOOOO!!!!! I don’t like that! We’re going to do it my way!”

When parents come to hang out here at school, they usually have something to say too. “No, your birthday is in three days, not two.” “Jimmy! Don’t push Sissy!” “Come on Bea, I came to do yoga with your class, I expect you to cooperate!”

Then I began paying attention to adult to adult interactions. These seem to be split into two main areas: 1. Telling Stories. 2. Commenting on the Stories.

If a family member comments it often takes the form of correcting what the other said. “Now Bill, it wasn’t the 15th of October, it was the 16th, a Thursday, remember?!”

Or it entails passing judgment on either the content or how the teller has handled the occurrence. “You did it that way? What were you thinking? If you wanna do it right do it this way!”

Sometimes adult interactions appear to be a competition to out clever each other. This is a tricky one because some of those comments are darn right funny. The drawback is that someone is left visibly smaller.

When a non family member comments it usually takes the form of relating a similar story that the responder experienced or the more subtle version of judgment: “If it were me, I’d do this_____.”

Last but by no means least, let’s not forget all those debates and devil’s advocate responses and negotiations. These techniques pop up across the age board.

Hmmmmmm.

Then I focused on how all these opinions and comments are affecting the object of all these opinions and comments.

In the child to child scenario the receiver is either visibly crushed and withdraws to cry alone, or hurt and comes running to report “Anna hurt my feelings! She said girls don’t play cowboys!” Or, the receiver becomes defensive and counterattacks “Yeah?!? Well I’m not gonna invite you to my birthday!!!”

In the adult to child scenario the child either is hurt and withdraws, or goes into rebellion mode and acts up. For example while Mom is trying to do yoga with the class, Bea holds onto Mom’s arm crying out “MY Mommy!, MY Mommy!”. Or, the child will counterattack “Mommy!!!! I did not push Sissy! She pushed me first!!!” Then that child hits Mom or Sissy, or runs over and messes up someone else’s activity just to show us who is boss.

At this point the adult either backs off and tries to placate the child, “OK Jimmy, you’re right, your sister pushed you first, but she’s smaller and you should know better.” And when the child cries louder, “Now Jimmy, you’re OK, just stop crying, shhhh, stop crying, that’s enough Jimmy!” And in a hushed tone “Jimmy, if you stop crying we’ll stop for an ice cream on the way home.”

In other cases the parent will double their comments in an effort to control the child. “Now Bea remember what we talked about the other day? It is our responsibility to fulfill our commitments. I made a commitment to do yoga today. Just let Mommy finish this yoga pose! Bea! Do I need to give you a time out?!? Bea! Do you want to lose your treat tonight? Bea! Bea! Stop!” Which of course results in more acting out by the child. Round and round we go!

In the adult to adult interactions the teller either tries to get the story back by saying, “Ha, ha! Did I tell you what I said? What ‘till you hear this!” or withdraws. If and when judgment comes into the picture, the receiver either withdraws or becomes defensive and counterattacks. “Oh yeah?!? Well remember that time with Uncle Bobby!?! You told him to #*@* Off! You really messed that up.”

Hmmmmmm

It looks like a whole bunch of people talking AT each other, sometimes at the same time to me. I don’t really see a lot of listening and conversing. You remember conversing. You say something and I thoughtfully respond to what you say and you thoughtfully respond to what I say...

I find myself astounded at how many of us give an opinion on just about everything. Oy Vey! Since when do we all need to say something about what other people are doing, saying, eating and thinking?

I was sharing my thoughts about this with a friend, and later that day she told me about an interaction with her own daughter. She was listening to Disney Tea Party Songs with her child and her child said, “Mommy! I think that Ariel is singing in this song!” The mother told me she almost responded with, “No honey, that’s not Ariel, that’s Belle.” As if that really matters. What your child wants is to share with you, and to have you listen.

If you have ever taken a class with me you might remember that the first step to CHANGE is to observe.

Oh dear, have I just shown my hand? Does that very statement imply that I think this is an area that could use some change? How judgmental of me. And just to be clear: You bet that’s what I’m saying!

So here is your assignment folks: Listen to the conversations and interactions around you. Clue into what is going on for you when you need to say something. Just simply notice.... And when next we meet we will explore where we go from here....

Tulum Dothee has been teaching Montessori for 30 years and Parenting and Self Help classes for 20 years. She owns and operates Oakhaven Montessori School for 2 1/2 - 6 year olds and has a private practice in Clinical Hypnotherapy and Consulting. You can sign up for her parenting tips newsletter at www.mindfulparentingtips.com You can e-mail questions for her to answer to info@ asktulum.com, or visit her website at www. asktulum.com. Call for more information 271-1258.