What a Difference a Dad Makes: being a father to a young child in today’s world

Printed in The Family Post: Fall Issue 2006

By Lindsday Dunckel, First 5 Nevada County

Once upon a time, a father’s role in the family was very simple: Dad went to work and earned money to support his family. This was his major contribution to the workings of the family. As a bonus, Dad’s word was final and he got to mete out justice, as in “Wait ‘til your father gets home.” This understanding of the father as provider was limiting for everyone: for Dad who wasn’t encouraged to bond with and nurture his children; for Mom who was stuck with all the parenting; and for the children who were robbed of the chance to have a real relationship with their father. Today, our understanding of fatherhood is shifting. Studies show that men are much more psychologically involved with their families and the norm has changed from simple breadwinner to involved father. As more women enter the workforce, including the majority of mothers of young children, things are becoming more balanced in the home; we do still have a ways to go with this concept, with working mothers continuing to do more caring for the children and household work than working fathers, but the change is underway. And every member of the family stands to benefit from this shift.

By the time a baby is two months old, she can recognize her father. That’s because she’s already begun to form an attachment to him. The more caregiving he does, the greater that attachment is. In fact, one study showed that how close babies stayed to their fathers in a laboratory play session was related to how many diapers the father changed each week! Children who have involved fathers are more outgoing with strangers and seem better able to handle unfamiliar situations. The greater the attachment to Dad, the less likely it is that the child will be anxious or withdrawn. Baby boys who have frequent interaction with their fathers score higher on measures of cognitive development— and the same is true of girls as they get older. Although the research on parents has often focused on mothers, the growing research on fathers tells us that dads have an impact on almost everything: cognitive ability, social interaction, eating patterns, school achievement, gender identity, and so on. What fathers do makes a difference. Generally, fathers just spending time with their children is enough to make a positive difference in the kind of people those children become.

I can remember being the working mother of an infant and a toddler and how overwhelming that could be. At times, everybody wanted Mommy. This was hard on my husband, who, as a very involved father, couldn’t help but be hurt that the children were refusing his loving care. But I was quick to point out to him that it was no picnic for me, either! We can laugh about it now, looking back. And, my, how times have changed. Our firstborn is a girl, and I used to tell my husband that his day would come. This summer, her tenth, I had to laugh when we got the pictures she took on vacation developed: among lots of photos of animals and scenery were a couple of her brother, a bunch of her father, and none of me. So you can see where her focus lies these days.

But when you are just starting out as a family, fathers have it rough; the obvious evidence of their children’s attachment to them, like my daughter’s photos, isn’t there yet. There is a cultural bias that says mothers know how to take care of babies, so dads tend to feel even more unsure of their abilities than do moms. There is a bias against giving fathers much paid time off after the birth or adoption of a baby (although everyone is entitled to 12 unpaid weeks a year), so mothers often spend more time caring for the baby right from the beginning and “figure out” what works. Finally, when mothers breastfeed, fathers feel as if they can’t fulfill their infants’ needs quite as readily as Mom can. So what’s a guy to do?

Dads need space to “figure out” what works, too. I’m a big advocate of having mothers leave the house, leaving Dad and baby alone for a bit (maybe this can only be an hour or two between feedings in the beginning). In this way, the two of them can begin to find their rhythms and interactions. When the mother is around, one of two scenarios is typical: either mom directs and controls what goes on, or dad defers to mom, asking what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. When mom is gone, dad’s confidence in his abilities to care for his child goes up. Sound hard? Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen: if the diaper is on backwards or too loose, baby and dad may get a little wet—they’re both washable! If the baby cries the whole time, she was still being held in a pair of loving arms and getting that message that someone cared for her. If the toddler misses his nap, he’ll have one again tomorrow. Just remember that though fathers may do things differently, it’s doing it that’s important, not how it’s done. Kids may go to bed later with Dad, or eat more junk food with Mom, but they adapt to different parenting styles and rules. This process begins in infancy. Finding one thing that you are really good at is a nice start in becoming an involved father. Often, Dads have a knack for getting young infants to sleep, especially if the baby is breastfed. Dad doesn’t have that stimulating milky smell that can sometimes keep little ones awake, and a masculine voice is calming to babies, whether talking or singing. Maybe you are the one who can get the baby to laugh. Whatever it is, use this one first talent as your jumping off place: this is the first step of fatherhood and from it will grow many other special interactions with your child.

What do kids want from their fathers? Your attention is the biggest gift you have to give; children want relationships more than anything else. While toy stores are full of brightly-colored things for babies and toddlers, fancy toys can’t compare with you talking, singing reading, giving pony rides, and just being there. Share something you love with your children: maybe it’s fishing or hiking or tinkering or listening to music. Because you are passionate about it, your kids are likely to be interested, too. Being a part of your world is immensely satisfying to them.

My kids have a whole list of special things their Dad does with them and for them: he builds crazy contraptions, makes funny cards, plays all kinds of music on all kinds of instruments, watches Marx Brothers movies, makes up great stories, the list goes on. And it is as special to me as it is to them. My son isn’t sure what he wants to be when he grows up, but he is sure about one thing: he’d like to be a Dad. It looks like so much fun to him.

Lindsay Dunckel, Ph.D. and Grass Valley mother of two, is the Program Coordinator for Parent Support and Education for First 5 Nevada County. Come meet Lindsay and ask her any parenting questions you have at the First 5 California Hands On Health Van at the downtown Grass Valley halloween celebration.