Dear
Tulum,
One of my 5 1/2 year old daughters is very clingy with
her mom. She wants to sit by her, be driven to school by
her etc. If she doesn’t get her way, tears often result.
We’ve had meetings about this, but so far they haven’t
helped. PLEASE HELP!
—Sad Dad
Dear Sad Dad,
Not to worry, we can work through this. It is going to
take a multifaceted approach, so get set.
Firstly, make sure each of your daughters has scheduled
time with both you and Mom. Have it look something like
this:
Say Friday Night is date night:
First Friday in the month is Dad and Daughter A, Mom and
Daughter B.
Second Friday: Switch – Dad and Daughter B, Mom and
Daughter A.
Third Friday: Family night all together.
Forth Friday: Dad and Mom date.
Secondly, let the calendar be the authority: Assign each
girl one special day per week to be in charge. Mom and Dad
each get a special day too. On their day that person gets
to make all the decisions possible from meal choices to
stories to be read. At a family meeting note down on the
calendar all the important details, special days, date nights,
whose turn it is to sit by Mom each day, whose turn it is
to drive, everything you can think of that might come under
question and let the calendar have the final word. Express
regret if daughter A doesn’t get her way, “Oh
I wish it was your day to sit by Mom, but here it is on
the calendar, it’s B’s turn.”
Thirdly (and here is where it gets trickier), allow your
daughter to have her feelings, her sadness, her tears. Mom
and Dad’s job is now to be sympathetic WITHOUT FIXING!
“Oh you seem really sad! Go to your room and have
a good cry and then do something to help yourself feel better.”
Meanwhile, Mom and Dad do something to help themselves feel
better and to stick to their resolve. Remember! As long
as you continue to get hooked into your daughter’s
feelings and trying to fix them the dynamic will continue.
Fourthly, and maybe this should have come first, Mom and
Dad do their inner work to work through the feelings their
daughter is triggering in them while allowing her to experience
her own stuff.
Bottom Line: It is our responsibility to help our children
learn to be in the world and meet their own emotional needs.
Whenever we give in to trying to fix or change their feelings
we teach them that they need something outside themselves
to fix how they feel or to be OK. This is how addiction
begins.
Tulum Dothee has been teaching Montessori for 23 years and
Positive Discipline and Self Help classes for 15 years.
She owns and operates Oakhaven Montessori School for 3-6
year olds and has a private practice in Clinical Hypnotherapy
and Consulting. E-mail questions to her at tulumd@earthlink.net,
or visit her website at www.oakhavenmontessori.com.
Call for more information 271-1258.
