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BLENDED FAMILIES
Printed in the Family Post: Summer Issue 2002
by Julie Carrara
Once, when my stepsons were about four and seven and I was relatively new to step parenting, I overheard a "back seat of the car" conversation between the two boys as they were discussing and clarifying amongst themselves the various relationships within our new blended family. At one point I chimed in, in an overly dramatic fashion, "Well, I guess that makes me your Wicked Stepmother." There was a short pause and then a small voice from the back seat piped up, "Oh no, Julie, I think you're more like our Fairy Godmother."
Ahhhh, if only step parenting were continuously filled with those blissful tidbits of satisfaction! I've had to hang on to that little conversational gem for many years, using it to encourage myself in the less fulfilling and more frustrating moments of step parenthood.
Fast forward twelve years: one stepson is finishing his first year of college and the other is soon to start his senior year of high school in the Fall. And me? Well, I stand before you a veteran step mom, an authoritative expert ready to hand you a blueprint for building a successful blended family. NOT!
First of all, the enormous complexity involved in the beginning of new relationships and the combining of separate families into one, encompasses a number of issues specific to each situation. In our family, long distance parenting was an important subject. For others it could be a myriad of other challenges, such as resolving issues with former partners, or helping children cope with feelings of loss and grief. Advice and information addressing each of these topics can fill volumes. And in fact it does- which is a good thing because blending families is a task that more and more of us will face in the years ahead. Statistics show that currently one in five children under the age of eighteen is a stepchild. Today, more Americans are part of a second family than a first.
As this new family form becomes more and more prevalent, we need to recognize the fact that while families of all types have problems, blended families face additional challenges that are rooted in the remarried situation. Practical guidance about how to alleviate family conflict is sorely needed. Additional resources, information and awareness regarding the unique needs of these families must be more thoroughly addressed in communities, schools, churches, legislature, etc. Particularly considering that current research suggests it takes 2-4 years on average for a blended family to stabilize and develop a coherent sense of itself.
So if you are contemplating forming a blended family or are already a part of one, how do you go about finding real solutions to real problems? Here's what I've learned:
First, start by visiting your local library. I found a wealth of information on a variety of issues, some material more technical than others. One particular book full of common sense ideas in an easily readable format is called: "Positive Discipline for Blended Families, Nurturing Harmony, Respect and Unity in your New Stepfamily", by Nelson, Erwin and Glenn. The authors offer to help parents "discover ways to identify potential pitfalls and gain the skills to avoid them". This book also discusses in detail the "Family Meeting" concept as a realistic way of finding compromise and figuring out what works.
Other good reads include, "I Was My Mother's Bridesmaid", by Erica and Vanessa Carlisle. It includes a compilation of stories from young adults that have learned to thrive in blended families. The premise is, "Who can tell the story of a family better than the child who was raised in it?" "Blending Families" by Elaine Shimberg is a guide that includes helpful ideas not only for parents and step parents but also for grandparents and extended family members. "Families Apart, Ten Keys To Successful Co-Parenting" by, Melinda Blau, includes an excellent sample "Parenting Agreement".
Are you on-line? The internet is an excellent resource for information on blended families. Point your browser to:
Second, look to community resources that are available to support families. This Fall, the annual Child Development Conference put on by Sierra Nevada Children's Services will offer a workshop geared specifically toward blended family issues. Schools also may offer parent education programs. In Nevada City, for example, the Clubhouse child care program at Seven Hills recently implemented a program for parents dealing with issues relating to discipline, homework, and blended families. These programs are valuable in that often they can provide hands on techniques for coping with specific situations. Call your school district to see what is available in your area.. A parent support group or peer support group for the children can be extremely helpful. One such program that has been replicated throughout the United States is called, "Banana Splits". This is a voluntary peer support group for children who need to process change brought about by the death of a parent, divorce or remarriage. Similar programs may be available in our community. If not, why not start one?
It should also be mentioned that for those in the midst of an adversarial divorce, Family Court Services are available. Family Court, presided over by Judge Al Dover, offers mediation services on an ongoing basis to help families work through custody disputes and shared parenting issues. Also, in Nevada County, volunteer CASA's (court appointed special advocates) may be assigned in Family Court to help ease the transition for children going through what is typically an emotionally wrenching and disruptive time in their lives.
Lastly, I think it is important to remember that life in a blended family is rarely simple and like all types of families, it will never be perfect, even given the magic wand that I'm pretty sure comes with the Fairy Godmother getup. But life is good. Be grateful for what you have and stay committed to making the family you have now the best it can be. "Blended Families" sums it up best by saying, "Take time to laugh; be sure the message of love and respect gets through to those you care about. Work toward patience, trust, and faith and celebrate whenever you have the opportunity. Your blended family will be whatever you have the courage and wisdom to make it."
"Remember, this present moment is the only one we can live in laugh in and change"
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