Dear
Tulum,
My daughter's fifth birthday is coming up. She attends a small preschool and wants to invite her entire class to her party. I think it is too many children. What can I do? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by excluding them.
-Overwhelmed
Dear Overwhelmed,
You are right, the entire class is too many party goers. Stick to the one guest per each year of your daughter's age rule; which for her means 5 guests. Let your daughter have her whole class invitation wish by making a class party. Get together with the teacher and talk about ways that you can make that day really special for her. See the suggestions in my "parting thoughts" at the end of this column.
Help her to understand the necessity of having a small group come to the home party, so that she can spend time with each guest and enjoy her company. Let her have her feelings of wanting everyone there without fixing them or giving in. Help her to understand that since many of the children aren't coming to her home party it will be important to remain mindful of their feelings and not use that information to hurt or tease them. At five your daughter has plenty of logic to understand and implement this plan.
Set your home party up for success. Limit the time; I suggest 1 1/2 to 2 hours, preferably in the morning so everyone will be at their best, say 9:30 to 11:00 am. Decide together what the theme will be and choose one or two games. Will everyone wear costumes to fit the theme? Will a parent remain with each child or is it OK to drop off? Give folks several weeks notice and use an RSVP date: " Call by February 1 if you'll be attending." Include all this information on the invitations and mail them out rather then delivering them at school.
Practice "party behavior" before the actual event and play "What will we do if _____happens?" That way your daughter will be prepared for any number of incidents. I recommend that party goers also come prepared in the same manner. Practice the receiving of gifts in a way that honors the giftor and acknowledges the thought. BE SURE to write THANK YOU notes afterwards. Have your daughter dictate the notes and sign them until she is able to write them entirely on her own. Teach her to mention the gift and why it is special to her as well as thanking the person for giving it AND for attending her party. Now go and enjoy that party!
Parting Thoughts: A Wonderful Birthday Ritual
In our rushed and harried lives we spend less and less time in moments of celebration. For your children, hallmarks are of great importance: The keeping of the calendar, the measurement of height and weight, the moment of birth, the celebration of each succeeding year. Let's bring more rituals into our lives to honor the hallmarks we achieve. This is how Montessori Schools around the world have been honoring birthday children for the past 100 years:
Gather the children together.
Choose a "sun": Either invite someone to hold a sun symbol or if properly supervised you might light a candle and place it on a table. Say, "This is the sun. The earth goes around the sun. It takes one whole year for the earth to go all the way around the sun."
The birthday child holds a small globe and slowly circles the sun with it, once for each year lived, stopping at each year for the story of her life.
Tell the child's life story: The moment of her birth. When she sat, learned to crawl, feed herself, stand, walk. Relate what activity and food she most loved at each age. Share photos of each year she has lived.
Sing the birthday song.
In many classrooms the birthday child brings a gift for the classroom; a book, a basket, a tray, a small vase with flowers. This helps the child focus outside herself and express her love and thankfulness.
May you enjoy this birthday ceremony as much as we have!
Tulum Dothee has been teaching Montessori for 24 years and Positive Discipline and Self Help classes for 16 years. She owns and operates Oakhaven Montessori School for 3-6 year olds and has a private practice in Clinical Hypnotherapy and Consulting. You can e-mail questions for her to answer to tulumdothee@earthlink.net, or visit her website at www.oakhavenmontessori.com. Call for more information 271-1258.
