EXPLORING BELIEFS AROUND PARENTING

by Emily Bouchard

Printed in The Family Post: School Issue 2004

A mother lectures her son about his dirty dishes in the sink. A father punishes his daughter for talking back and being disrespectful. A stepmother bites her tongue as her stepdaughter curses at her. A stepfather tells his wife how she should ground her son for not calling when he was out past curfew.

Why do these parents in these various roles behave the way they do towards their birth children and stepchildren? How do people learn how to parent their children, let alone someone else’s children? In all cases, behavior is a direct result of a person’s beliefs.

And yet, very few parents know where their beliefs about parenting come from. For most parents, the way they parent is a direct result of how they were parented. The majority of beliefs about parenting are actually formed starting at infancy and get solidified by early childhood. These beliefs are so ingrained, and so much a part of a person’s make-up, that they are largely unconscious and not necessarily easily accessed.

By understanding what your beliefs are about parenting and where those beliefs come from, you may discover whether or not your beliefs are actually true for you. Children have a magical way of thinking and often make meanings about the world that fit their thinking process, and those beliefs are not necessarily accurate. Adults find themselves reacting to parenting situations in ways they never imagined they would, and they are often not aware of what is really running them underneath their reactions.

Action Step: Exploring Your Beliefs Around Parenting
Schedule some uninterrupted, private time together as a couple. Determine who will start sharing and who will ask the questions. Be prepared to switch roles half-way through so that each of you gets the same amount of time to share.
Ask each other curious questions about your childhoods. Discover who the main parental figures were for each of you. Learn about how each of you was parented and what worked for you and what you wish had been different.

Explore the possible beliefs you made about parenting as a result of how you were parented. Be engaged and interested. Ask probing questions about:

• Times they got in the worst trouble.
• Times they were most acknowledged.
  Times when they really needed a parent
  and no one was there.
• Times of loss or abandonment.
• Times of security and comfort.

Specifically ask each other about what your lives were like at the current ages of the children in your home. Especially focus on the age of the child that causes that particular parent the most frustration. How were they treated at that age? What was that like for them? How did they wish they had been treated? What meanings did they make about themselves at that time? What meanings did they make about their parents at that time?

Through this activity you will begin to unravel the mystery behind your current reactions to the children in your home, and you may begin to develop some compassion and understanding for each other and the children. Notice how your interactions with the children and with each other change after you do this exercise.

Emily Bouchard, MSW, Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer. Subscribe to her free e-mail newsletter for blended families by going to her site at www.blended-families.com.