Having it All: Balancing Work and Family in the Home

By Misha Renclair, MA, CPCC

Printed in The Family Post: Holiday Issue 2004

Traditionally, coaching sessions are completely confidential, and for that reason, the participants names have been changed. A heartfelt thank you to Misha Renclair for donating the coaching sessions and writing the article, and to the women for their willingness to participate in the coaching sessions and share their stories.

For many women the gift of working at home with their husbands is a dream come true. The incentive is the prospect of freedom and flexibility. Without commutes, set hours, demanding bosses or dress codes, family and children get the attention they deserve. The reality of working at home is that this gift of freedom often creates a unique set of challenges that can turn a sought after dream into a nightmare. In my work as a personal life coach, clients frequently address the issue of finding greater life balance. For this article, I interviewed and coached three “working-at-home” moms to explore some of the particular issues that arise for women who “have it all.”

Sarah came wondering aloud what coaching might provide for her but also pondered out loud that she felt like sometimes it seems women “carry it all.” She expressed much appreciation for her husband and their relationship, shared values and how well they complimented one another. I let Sarah know that it is often when people have their life “in place” that coaching gets exciting. With further discussion, Sarah realized, that she and her husband would probably benefit from defining clearer parameters around work and family time as well as designating specific time for focused communication. At a certain point Sarah grew still and shared that even though so much was in place, there was still something that felt amiss. With gentle facilitation, Sarah realized that she longed to focus more time on her personal writing and made a specific commitment to do just that.

Melissa shared that the most difficult thing about working from home with her husband is finding a way to switch from work mode to family mode. She and her husband tend to talk about their business, clients, and workload all the time, and often run over their 5-year old daughter in the conversation, who resorts to screaming to get a word in. Melissa feels she never has a moment of uninterrupted time with anyone. Together we came up with the idea of putting a notepad by the phone to write down all the issues throughout the day that she and her husband need to discuss. Doing this made them realize that most of what they talk about isn’t urgent, and can wait until after the kids go to bed. She feels it’s less stressful around the house now, and they actually spend very little time going over everything at the end of the day. In the coaching session Melissa also realized that her sanity revolves around having a few moments of peace each week. She committed to setting aside some time for herself, and a place in the house, that is just for her.

Jill spoke of how much time she and her husband work, how they are both very focused and rarely take time to share from the heart. One great coaching questions is, “What do you want more of and what do you want less of in your life?” Jill realized she wanted more warmth within her family, so together, we brainstormed possibilities. Jill liked the idea of giving verbal appreciations to one another at the dinner table and making a point of extending some positive feedback to her daughter at each bedtime. She also spoke of the importance of asking directly for her needs when speaking with her husband. When asked how she could best nurture herself, she said she cherished quiet alone time, ideally at night. In a follow-up call, Jill told me that although she wasn’t doing all of these things daily, she was incorporating them into her life more often. Small steps create change.

Balancing work, marriage and family life is a universal issue of our time. Women (and men) working at home have the additional challenge of little or no clear definition between their professional and personal lives. With standard delegations separating work from family life no longer present, it is up to the individuals and couples to create literal space, structures and systems that support not only the success of their business venture but the well-being of the entire family.

Misha Renclair, MA, CPCC, has lived in Nevada County for over twenty-five years. She has a son, Tai, 23 and a daughter, Molly, 17. Misha combines her love of yoga, nature and creativity with coaching others towards effective change. She facilitates retreats and workshops, and coaches men and women individually and through group sessions. A new women’s group is currently forming. Contact Misha for a complimentary sample coaching session or to inquire about her coaching groups. She can be reached at (530) 478-0404 or misha@misharenclair.com.

Ten Tips for Having it All

Remember balance is an ever-changing status. There will never be an end product but will always be refinement of the process.

Balance requires self-care. Nourishment from healthy food, adequate rest, exercise and pleasure are all essential ingredients.

Create a distinct place for work. Clear physical boundaries assist clean transitions between work and family.

Remember to take mini breaks throughout the day. Five minutes out of each hour to stretch and drink water will keep you fresh and revitalized.

Communicate and delegate. Family meetings, shared household chores, and quality time all build strong family bonds.

Calendar in date nights with your mate and leave conversations about work and the children at home.

Do something just for you! As women, we often put ourselves last. If we take time to nourish ourselves fully, ultimately, we have more to give.

Get outside! Fresh air disperses negative energy, brings oxygen to our cells and feeds our soul. Spend some time outdoors daily!

Be kind to yourself. Perfection is a painful path. Love and acknowledge, deeply all that you are as well as all that you do.

We are not meant to be alone. Spend time with family and friends or seek support to create a life you love.

Editor’s note: In summary, I followed up with the participants and asked them write about their coaching experiences.

“Although I attended my life coaching session with an open mind, I admit to being skeptical that anything much could be accomplished. After all, my husband and I have been working together from our home office for almost 15 years. What could a complete stranger say to me in an hour and a half that could make a difference? As it turned out, I couldn’t have been more wrong. It was an amazingly productive time! I learned how to build upon an already successful partnership by looking at concrete ways to establish firmer boundaries between family and office time. Also, the opportunity to voice some of my own personal goals helped me to see the importance of re prioritizing my time each day to begin to work towards achieving my dreams. With Misha’s guidance I was able to define manageable steps to begin something that in my mind had always seemed so overwhelming (and thus forever “put off”). I left feeling hopeful, determined, encouraged and supported.”

“Misha’s stillness and insight has a way of getting you to face your own truths. It’s amazing how productive she can be in such a short time. Her incisiveness and focus not only helped me make some important realizations, but also provided me with some concrete ways of dealing with these realizations. I recommend her!”

“I absolutely loved the coaching session. How often do you get to unload all the little issues from your daily life, with someone who just intently listens and challenges you to create solutions. Misha has an amazing way of getting you to narrow down exactly what you want to work on in your life, and coming up with ways to change. She’s just incredible.”