Dear
Tulum,
My main problem is that my sweet 12 year old boy is gradually
turning into a less than respectful back talking child.
He never used to be this way! He is a pretty happy well
adjusted kid. He does very well at school and has many nice
friends, so I am not sure where he is getting this from.
Yesterday my son said to me “Stop yelling at me with
your eyes!” I guess he sees right through to my frustration
with him! To top it off, I also have an 8 year old son who
copies his brother’s every move. Can you help me to
curb my son’s bad attitude and unkind ways?
—Mom Who Wants her Sweet Child Back
Dear Mom Who Wants her Sweet Child Back,
Well thank goodness he is still that happy, well adjusted
kid inside there! Children, no matter what their age, learn
their social behavior, not from the group they find themselves
in BUT FROM HOW THEIR PARENTS TREAT EACH OTHER. So the first
step is to look at how you adults have treated each other,
own up to it and fix the parts that need fixing. Then apologize
to your son for setting a bad example and ask for another
try.
Secondly look at your relationship with your son. Back
talk and bad attitudes are often a response to the parent
being over protective or demanding. Try letting him have
the last word. Invite cooperation by asking what needs to
be done, instead of you telling him what needs to happen.
Explore what is happening for him emotionally by having
friendly chats at neutral times. Open the discussion with
“Could it be ___?” questions. For example ask,
“Could it be that you are angry with me because I
try to boss you around?” or “Could it be that
you are frustrated with me because I am disappointed in
you a lot of the time?” Try to re-establish the trust
and bond between you.
Children at the age of 12 and 13 recycle the stage they
went through around 3 years of age. In order to separate
from you the parent, they begin to assert themselves. Part
of this assertion comes in the roll of breaking family rules,
it’s all part of the developmental cycle they are
in. They argue, hassle and disagree. They make mistakes
in order to find out what works while they develop their
own sense of being. They literally need to break out of
the relationships that have helped them grow to this point
and reestablish them from an independent position. Sound
familiar?
The key is going to be to back off and let him have the
space he needs to discover himself AND to establish a new
and different relationship with the person he is becoming
while continuing to love and support him when he comes back
to the nest for reassurance and connection, which at this
age will happen frequently.
In a nutshell: Make sure the message of love gets through.
Become a sounding board rather than an authority figure.
Work through your own frustrations in a supportive setting
away from him. Clean up your own agendas and methods in
your relationships. Read Jane Nelson’s Positive Discipline
for Teenagers. Take a deep breath and enjoy the ride, this
too will pass.
Tulum Dothee has been teaching Montessori for 23 years and
Positive Discipline and Self Help classes for 15 years.
She owns and operates Oakhaven Montessori School for 3-6
year olds and has a private practice in Clinical Hypnotherapy
and Consulting. E-mail questions to her at tulumd@earthlink.net,
or visit her website at www.oakhavenmontessori.com.
Call for more information 271-1258.
