Dear
Tulum,
I realize that this is a question about me and not my child, but what are good ways to respond when your child does something embarrassing in front of others? As an example, while we were visiting two elderly neighbors recently, my 5 1/2 year old daughter picked her nose and then wiped the snot off on my shirt. I hadn't noticed her picking her nose, but I did notice her wiping it on me. Then she smiled and told the neighbors what she had done. Geez.
- Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed,
Isn't it amazing what children are willing to do to hook us? Especially in front of others! At 5 1/2 your daughter certainly knows that this behavior is not acceptable, so my guess is that she did it to tweak you (power), to get back at you for something (revenge), or as an experiment to see how you will handle it. Until age 6 she is finishing up on her social development and experiments of this nature are not uncommon. Now, how to respond. At that very moment I suggest you laugh, take the gesture for what it is: silliness. Later you will need to address the underlying issue:
At a neutral moment: Try goal disclosure.
Power: "Could it be that you did it to show me you are the boss?"
"Could it be that you did it to show the neighbors that you are the boss of me?"
Revenge: "Could it be that you did it because you feel hurt about something I did and you want to get back at me?"
Experiment: "Could it be that you did it to see what I would say to the neighbors?"
Remember, she may not agree right out, look for that twinkle in her eye, or a slight smile.
Once you understand her goal you will know how to proceed:
Power: "I want you to get the power you need AND I need respect from you. When you do _____ I do not get the respect I need. What can we do to meet BOTH our needs? Let's look for ways to help you feel powerful when we're out visiting, and for me to feel comfortable that you will behave properly."
Revenge: "I apologize for ______. Please help me to understand when I have hurt you right away so I can apologize and make amends. When you store things up and use them to hurt me later we both end up hurt. I love you AND myself too much to continue to act out in this cycle. What do you think we should do?"
Experiment: "I am glad that you are learning how to behave in public. The next time you try an experiment when we are visiting I will say, I see that you are experimenting. Let's use this opportunity to include our neighbors in a discussion on what we do in these instances."
Lastly, make sure that you play "What do we do when____?" It is great game to play in the car. Each of you comes up with scenarios and together find solutions that are socially acceptable.
No matter how much time had elapsed since this incident it is never too late to take remedial steps.
Tulum Dothee has been teaching Montessori for 24 years and Positive Discipline and Self Help classes for 16 years. She owns and operates Oakhaven Montessori School for 3-6 year olds and has a private practice in Clinical Hypnotherapy and Consulting. You can e-mail questions for her to answer to tulumdothee@earthlink.net, or visit her website at www.oakhavenmontessori.com. Call for more information 271-1258.
